6 Years of Downfall

“You’re right! I am turning into this horrible person. Maybe I already am. I am always irritated, agitated, aggressive.. I try to stay calm. Don’t you know this is exhausting? It exhausts me. I’m.. I am being a mom, I am being your wife. I am juggling these roles. It’s just that, right now, I’m tired, Patrick. I’m sorry, I’m tired.”

“Okay. What’s happening right now is.. you are mad. I annoy you, okay.. but now you are crying. Wha – oh no, no.” His sarcastic face is there again, he knows how much I hated it. “Let me guess. You don’t know why? You just feel like crying?”

“Don’t look at me like that. I am trying, god knows, I’m trying.” I am shaking now. Living with you is very tiring. I’m tired. I’m already tired. I fucking hate you and I am fucking exhausted. I wanted to add, but I know, its.. it is something someone gone cuckoo would say. He already sees me as one, but I cannot.. Of course I cannot say it.

He just shook his head. Oh, and that sneer.  He walked off in a huff.  Wish granted.

But, he’s right. It has always been like this. How pathetic am I in his eyes? He’s been with me for six years, he had seen it all. I have seen it all. Six years, is that enough to drive each other insane?

Then there goes the narrator of my life, the inner bully. He talks with the same arrogance as my husband.

This is what happens when you live with someone who crushes your thoughts, your belief system, the way you look at yourself, all the while, being loving and caring and responsible husband and father to your kids. A trophy partner you can show off to your relatives and friends, the trophy partner you secretly hate. Oh, you wanted to break free? How can you reason to his realism? You are a depressed, delusional. His logic is nothing compared to the fucked up yours. This is what happens when you merge yourself into marriage without fucking thinking, now, let your freedom fly and your soul rot, idiot. 

Have you ever felt this kind of hate? You’ve cut your own wings and now you are being mean, mostly to yourself. But you don’t want to show it, so it’s just deeply buried inside you. You don’t know when will all this stop. You thought, this hate will pass. It’s a part of every marriage. But no, it’s a downfall without a crash.

You can’t even describe it anymore, you can only feel it. There is this strong anger living inside your chest that you always suppress. You don’t understand it either, you can’t use your words right anymore. You try to reason to yourself, nothing is coming out. You just wanted to scream, to runaway, to stay still, to move, to sit, to dive…  You don’t even know what you want to do anymore. You don’t know what to do to make it go away. Hate, rage, temper, anger, you don’t know what to call it. You don’t know what it is, but you know it is planted inside you. A bad seed. It seeps, it stays, you can feel its roots, it is becoming you.

Truth is, you are a bad wife, a bad mother, and a bad person. Added the narrator.

Guts Booster

Now, to brighten the blogging vibe a little, I’ll be having Music Mondays! I will start giving out weekly supply of ear candies to help you get back up after a bad day or to accompany you if you are having one!

For the longest time, I’ve been always rooting for music, discovering and rediscovering songs to relate and jive with. This playlist ignites my old-school-young soul before  I dive back into fast-moving-and-exhausting adult world. I am building up my library of early 90’s songs. Guts Booster is a compilation of songs from the 90’s and early 00’s that I have been frequently listening to these days. These are the songs I turn to whenever I feel the different kind of tired, defeated after a bad day or when I am trying to brighten up a new one.

I’m going to use the clichè line “this song saved my life”, because all of this of kind of did:

5. Today by Smashing Pumpkins

4. Float On by Modest Mouse

3. No Rain by Blind Melon

2. All Star by Smash Mouth

.

1. You Get What You Give by New Radicals


Here’s the complete playlist I created on Youtube:

Listopia #1 Guts Booster.

The featured photo was from Pixabay.com

How To Make a Helpful Book Review

Book reviews are fun to write, but if you want to make a helpful review for your fellow readers to read, here are some guidelines on how to give your book review a valuable content. Having guidelines will help you establish your own writing structure.  It is important to make a regular structure on how are you going to evaluate the books you have read, so it will be easier for you to write book reviews on the next hundreds of books you’ll read and evaluate. Here are some elements you might want to consider:

  1. Rating

You have to specify your rating. Set a range from 1 – 5, but what would be the specifications of these ratings? You must also set your own standard, for example:

5 – Excellent writing technique/style, excellent plot or story. Simply just one of the books you have deeply and exquisitely delved into.
4 – Good writing technique/style with a steady story. One of the good books you have enjoyed.
3 – Average. Was able to make you turn from page to page. Usually, 3 out of 5 books are the kind of books that are easy enough to read, but not that good enough to really get lost into.
2 – Gave you a hard time to finish the entire book. Either, you didn’t like the writing style or it has an unbearably slow or fast pace of the story, or you just didn’t like the story enough to get a little, even a bit hooked.
1 – You give this kind of rating to the books that are painful to read. You give 1 out of 5 stars to the books that you did not finish, even if you tried. 1 out of 5 stars simply means, it’s just not your kind of book.

  1. Summary

Your summary has to be very short, and be aware of giving out spoilers. Be careful not to give out the climax or the plot twist or, of course, the ending of the story. Just give the essentials, like the answer to the question: “What is this book all about?”

  1. Characters

You might want to add the descriptions of the main characters, or just one of your favorites. You will not resist the drive to give a short description of the character, especially when the author made you feel like this person is someone you just have known thoroughly, like you know more about this character than that new friend of yours you just met and you hang out with.

  1. Reaction

I cannot specify what kind of reaction would this be, but this is the most vital element of your review. What was your reaction to this book? Did you like the writing style? Do you agree to the author’s or character’s view? Is there something that you can absolutely relate to, and you just couldn’t agree more to the point of view of the character or the direction of the story? How was the author able to tackle some sensitive topics like miscarriage, marriage, depression, loneliness? Give your reaction or reactions or mixed and contradicting and complex emotions about the book, how does this book made you feel? This element will give way to your personal touch. There is no right or wrong reactions, it is your review and, your reactions no matter how absurd there are – are valid.

  1. Recommendation

To whom would you recommend this novel or book? Would you recommend this to someone who is into Magical Realism, or if the novel has similarities to the novels of a certain author, would you recommend it to those who also loved Haruki Murakami, for instance? Or would you recommend this book to your girlfriends who feel a little bit lost in life (assuming you just read Eat, Pray, Love), or would you recommend this book to your geek guy friends who loved Lord of the Rings Trilogy?

These elements only serve as a simple guide in writing book reviews. You can be complex,  you can make your own structure. But for starters, this will do. Hope this was helpful. And by the way, if you just read something beautiful, please feel free to drop the book title under comments. Now, bury your nose back to what you are reading and keep those pages turning!


The featured image was from Pixabay.com