Rage and Hibernation

I can’t believe someone could be that colorless. You’re right. I’d use the word pale. But that seems like an understatement. When you see her, you might as well grab a TV remote and ramp up the color intensity. Yes, that girl. Have you noticed how her skin glows? No, not that kind of glow. Her skin is so white, it glows.  You know why we don’t see her that much? We don’t see her around that much. Yes, so I’ve heard. Did you see the slashes on her wrist? I can’t take it off my mind. The scars are even paler than her skinny wrists. It’s not a good sight. Do you know why we don’t see her that much? Well, seems like I know something you don’t know.

So listen closely. I’ve met her old friend, Anna. They were pretty close. Yes. Were. But I’ve got to warn you, this Anna is crazy. There is definitely wrong with her, but she’s fun to talk to. And when she talks, I can’t seem to look away from her.. nose ring. Don’t laugh at me. You won’t help it. It’s gleaming. And her eyes.. her eyes are hypnotic. Oh, right! Anna. I was talking to her when she passed by. Anna just stared at her old friend. “She should’ve just killed herself.” Yes, that’s what Anna said. “She’s walking around dragging everyone down, she’s painful to watch. She knows it herself, so she kept herself away, locked up in her house. Not getting out, until she’s better.” She even added.

Do you know what happened to her? She’s once filled with confidence. Almost proud. Her mom, is as kind as any moms get  but she can’t control her daughter. They always argue. The way she talks to her mom, she’s going to be wait-listed in hell. She’s having problems with her rage back then. By the time she wakes up, she feels so angry to no particular person, no particular reason. Anger just fills her up. Her mom is still so kind to her that anger is often mixed with guilt. It is driving her even more crazy.

One night, when she’s having her usual argument with her mom,some misunderstanding. Anna was there, hanging out upstairs, inside her old friend’s room. She can hear her friend from the dining room. The argument went into halt. This girl, she walked up the stairs, stomping at every step, screaming on top of her lungs. She was so mad, she went straight to her bathroom. She didn’t bother looking at her friend waiting for her. She went straight to the bathroom door and slammed it. A few moments have passed and all there is is silence. Anna couldn’t take the ringing peace, and decided to check on her old friend. There, sitting on the floor, her right wrist were slashed, multiple times. Like she never stopped slashing it until she calmed down. Anna called 911. She thought her friend died during her watch.

She didn’t tell me how she felt, if she’s shocked or.. She just told the story like it is something factual, you know? I don’t know how she managed to tell the tale with a hollowed voice. She knew her friend had died. I think, Anna kind of did, too. They never talked after that night.

Prison of Truth

(This is how you lose your youth)

You started to wonder, how you’ve lost your voice
Was it the day you ceased speaking?
Or was it the day you started repeating,
repeating the chant everyone else is saying

You’ve lost your point of view, honey, it was all you.
You are always ready to bend and mold,
To conform, and nod. To find the truth
From different set of lies laid in front of you.
You always choose whatever it is that can fool you.

For years, you’ve been complaining about your lost freedom,
For twenty-two years you have been living,
Six years spent grieving,
Every persona you wore were lined up in a shelf
Six fucking years, spent building a prison for yourself

The next time rage fill you,
While you clasp and shake and grip the bars that surround you,
Remember this, the only thing that can set you free
Is the very thing that confines you.

With Blank Eyes, You Wait

The thing is, it’s a cycle.

You don’t know the reason behind the cycle,
but if you are going to observe it, there is.
For the past few months, you were doing good.
You thought you have finally became stable, okay;
ready to grab any optimism life has to offer.
You were so proud of yourself.

Then there’s this shift.

Slowly, or drastically,
it pulled you again to that pit,
that same pit you fought really hard to escape from.

But you’re at it again,
and this time you don’t know what to do.
It just swallows you.

You have no idea, there is no reason.
There is no clear reason.

You tried to talk to people, for normality’s sake, and it feels fake.
You don’t really feel like talking, but you have to at least try..
You can’t move, everything is forced.

At first, you thought it’s just a bad morning.
You just woke up on the wrong side of your bed.
Then it becomes a bad day.
Then you try to cheer yourself up,
you told yourself, tomorrow is another day.
Then the next day came, and you’re dragging yourself up again.
Then you hadn’t noticed it has been a month, it has been months.
You feel defeated without knowing what you are fighting against.

So you just wait…
With blank eyes, you wait.


Written in August, during the early days of the shift.

(Featured photo was from Pixabay.com) 

Fighting the Cycle of Depression

Depression has become a universal battle, and the one were fighting against with is ourselves; each of us is our own silent opponent, stealing our own identity, ruining established relationships, putting away  our own opportunities.

I have tried everything that I could to avoid the dark clump of clouds hovering on the back of my head. Last semester, my hard work finally paid off. I’ve finally become my most productive self; I was able to do my schoolwork on time, I was able to help my mom at home, I did a clerical job on the side. Yes, finally, I was able to fight it! Or maybe ignore it, live above it. All the while, Depression is still beside me, like a known enemy, sitting at the corner, relaxing at my side, puffing his smoke with his feet up high, and his usual companion, Anxiety, is there, too. They are taking their time.

This morning, these two caught my full attention again. I found myself zipping up my humane mask back on.  Depression just stands in there, smirking at me, mouthing the words “Welcome back”. The heavy feeling is here again.

This is the tricky part, it had you again and you have to start from square one. I figured, if there is one thing that actually worked during my 4 year battle with persistent depression cycle, it’s developing my own routine. I thought, the only thing that could fight this cycle, is also a cycle and I have to make my own.

Whenever the shift comes, this has become my cycle:

 1. Hibernation – This is the time where I ceased fighting it. I let myself submit to it, lie down in my bed, pretending I’m dead. Usually, during hibernation, I get  overwhelmed with the feeling of absolute nothing. It’s like climbing down to a deep and empty well, and when you’ve finally reached the bottom, all you do is stare at the opening, your slightest source of light.

2. Shower & Contemplation – After a day of two of succumbing to my emotions and lack of emotions, I will force myself to get-up. I’ll go to a long and nice shower, to think. To control my thinking. To think over and over, until my mind gives way to a new perspective. The after shower feeling helps, too. The light sensation of just-came-out-of-the-shower freshness makes me feel a little better.

3. Conquering the clutter – I’ve got this from a Haruki Murakami’s The Wind-up Bird Chronicle. Whenever Toru Okada feels restless, he would iron his shirts until his mind clear-up. I know, it is a productive way of taming the mind.

I know how hard it is to move when you are feeling depressed, but I always give this a try. I start with chunks, from small things, to organizing the cluttered desk, until I get to that piling plates on the sink. It is not a fun thing to do, but it gives me more time to think. I am always stressing about thinking. You see, I am battling with my own thoughts. I have to think, to change these thoughts. And conquering my clutter usually works, it even gives me the feeling of relief once I’ve made my place neat and comfy.  A clean place, can bring peace. And peace, in the moment of darkness, is exactly what I need.

4. Proper Rest – This is something I cannot do right now. You see, I’ve been writing a midnight diary, and midnight diaries can only be written during midnight. Hah! But having a good night sleep can be helpful. It gives the brain a time to rest (so it has more energy to fuck with you in the morning). But in all seriousness, the relationship between sleep and depressive illness is complex – depression may cause sleep problems and sleep problems may cause or contribute to depressive disorders. As much as possible, I want to cross this one out, I don’t need any more depressive contributors.

5. Making my own morning routine – Mornings are for happy people! I believe in “fake it till you make it” and I will try to pretend I am happy this morning, until I can be truly happy the next morning.

I go for a jog, exert my energy, rage, self-hatred, into running. Some days, I really have no interest in anything at all,  I’ll just give myself a simple breakfast, and by simple, I mean the easiest one to cook. Maybe a bowl of cereals. Not much, but progress is progress. One of the ways to fight depression is to continue fighting it, it is fighting to do something against my will. So serve I myself a decent breakfast, even if I don’t feel like it.


When I am feeling a little better after this full cycle, I’ll continue with it, but I skip Hibernation, I’ll proceed to step 2. Going back to step 1 is my last resort. Never let yourself fall apart over and over again, it’ll be a habit. This is certainly not a good habit.

Remember, only cycle can break a cycle. I will keep on establishing new cycle, as long as I can fight myself, as long as I have the will to fight myself.

If you find yourself facing a battle with yourself, you might wanna give this cycle a try. Let’s surpass this, I will keep on encouraging myself, and I will keep encouraging you. Depression can be persistent but I will never lose hope, and I will share this hope with you.