Grow Backwards

This is how adult life is.. running from point A to point B, back and forth, always rushing, always rushing to your next deadline, always a minute too late. You can’t waste time, but you always do. Of course, you do. When you were still a child, you always waste time, too. But you cannot say it’s wasted. You didn’t know it is,  your wasted time is full of bliss.

Can you remember how the world looks in your childhood eyes? Well, I do. I always do. I still can’t believe I have become like this. My younger self will be very disappointed. In my younger eyes, the world is vivid. I can still remember the scents of each apartment we moved to and from, their scents when they were still empty, their scents when I am about to fall asleep. I still remember the 5pm light, how the wind gushes through me while I am running, running as fast as I could, running under the pink sky. I still remember how I hugged my mom with all my heart. My eyes were so alive. Man, I was once full of love. Where that love went, I don’t know. When did I lose it, more so.

I guess, as you grow older, the love inside you fades, bit by bit, without you knowing. All the while, you keep your eyes on your purpose: to play your roles right, to reach for the next paycheck for your next payment. Running around keeping your emotions locked up. You know too well, you’ve ruined your life by setting them free. Through the years, your heart is being pierced through and through by disappointments after disappointments, shame, hatred, failures. You are running around your world with your own bloodshed.

A few years after, you’ve gone dull. Your eyes went tired, you have seen it all. You can see through people, you can see through bullshit, you’ve heard enough lies, you’ve said your fair share of them. You’ve spilled enough blood. You try to cheer yourself up, but you cannot fool yourself anymore. It’s a non-stop trail towards black and white.

Now looking back, I would do everything just to grow backwards. And when I do, I will cling to that child. I will never let go. I will wear her eyes, I will hold her love, I will be living, I will be alive.


6 Years of Downfall

“You’re right! I am turning into this horrible person. Maybe I already am. I am always irritated, agitated, aggressive.. I try to stay calm. Don’t you know this is exhausting? It exhausts me. I’m.. I am being a mom, I am being your wife. I am juggling these roles. It’s just that, right now, I’m tired, Patrick. I’m sorry, I’m tired.”

“Okay. What’s happening right now is.. you are mad. I annoy you, okay.. but now you are crying. Wha – oh no, no.” His sarcastic face is there again, he knows how much I hated it. “Let me guess. You don’t know why? You just feel like crying?”

“Don’t look at me like that. I am trying, god knows, I’m trying.” I am shaking now. Living with you is very tiring. I’m tired. I’m already tired. I fucking hate you and I am fucking exhausted. I wanted to add, but I know, its.. it is something someone gone cuckoo would say. He already sees me as one, but I cannot.. Of course I cannot say it.

He just shook his head. Oh, and that sneer.  He walked off in a huff.  Wish granted.

But, he’s right. It has always been like this. How pathetic am I in his eyes? He’s been with me for six years, he had seen it all. I have seen it all. Six years, is that enough to drive each other insane?

Then there goes the narrator of my life, the inner bully. He talks with the same arrogance as my husband.

This is what happens when you live with someone who crushes your thoughts, your belief system, the way you look at yourself, all the while, being loving and caring and responsible husband and father to your kids. A trophy partner you can show off to your relatives and friends, the trophy partner you secretly hate. Oh, you wanted to break free? How can you reason to his realism? You are a depressed, delusional. His logic is nothing compared to the fucked up yours. This is what happens when you merge yourself into marriage without fucking thinking, now, let your freedom fly and your soul rot, idiot. 

Have you ever felt this kind of hate? You’ve cut your own wings and now you are being mean, mostly to yourself. But you don’t want to show it, so it’s just deeply buried inside you. You don’t know when will all this stop. You thought, this hate will pass. It’s a part of every marriage. But no, it’s a downfall without a crash.

You can’t even describe it anymore, you can only feel it. There is this strong anger living inside your chest that you always suppress. You don’t understand it either, you can’t use your words right anymore. You try to reason to yourself, nothing is coming out. You just wanted to scream, to runaway, to stay still, to move, to sit, to dive…  You don’t even know what you want to do anymore. You don’t know what to do to make it go away. Hate, rage, temper, anger, you don’t know what to call it. You don’t know what it is, but you know it is planted inside you. A bad seed. It seeps, it stays, you can feel its roots, it is becoming you.

Truth is, you are a bad wife, a bad mother, and a bad person. Added the narrator.

Midnight Tempo

Midnight has this power to arouse your inner peace. My second Listopia is all about midnight chill and relaxation featuring my personal favorite, Chet Faker.

If you’re a night owl, you know too well that midnight is just the perfect time to do your craft. Let it be painting, writing – anything that you do with all your heart. Midnight brings this feeling of euphoric loneliness; the feeling that no one is watching you, no one expects anything from you. You are on your own little world, and you can perfect everything, not out of fear of criticism, but out of passion. Its a perfect time for your own version of perfection.

On the other hand, there are some nights when it is also perfect to do nothing. The art of doing nothing; to finally relax after a long day, slip into your comfortable shirt, plant yourself on the couch, and listen to music. Chet Faker, is the best  for this lazy kind of midnight. If you are into downtempo and soul music, Chet Faker is a treat.

Chet is the master of intimacy. His songs can actually be a good soundtrack for passionate midnight loving, if you know what I mean… But he can also be  a good company if you are enjoying your time alone like me. A good background noise to pair up with your usual coffee, tea, or ice cold beer? wine? or  – just grab your comfort drink and chill.

Here are my top 5 personal favorites:

#5  Terms & Conditions

#4 Love & Feeling

#3 Gold

#2. Talk is Cheap

#1 No Diggity

I first heard Chet Faker from his viral YouTube video, No Diggity. It’s a cover he played with his friends and it is  really good, so it has been passed on (and on and on).

He’s been my midnight tune since then. Some of you may already know him, but if you haven’t heard him yet, then give him a try. I’m sure he’ll  be setting the mood of your next midnight.

Featured Image was from
More from Chet Faker here:  Nick Murphy (Chet Faker)
Weekly prompt: Discover Challenge: Song


How Can a Photograph Capture the Image of a Person Falling Apart?

I stared at the black and white photograph, “Is this how unhappy I look like?” I hadn’t realized it before. I was never beautiful, but looking at this picture.. This is not me. This can’t be me. This is far from the remark of “Oh. I look so ugly”

I took the photograph, studied a bit more closely. Is this how people see me? Since when did I look this empty?

Day by day, for years, I’ve watched confidence fade away. I’ve cut my hair short. I’ve given up on any pity attempt to look pretty. I neglected myself for a very long time. I look so dull and wasted, tired and drained. This hopeless face can never be covered up. This depressing, decaying body cannot be dressed up. Look a little more closely, you’ll cringe. You’ll cringe at the person beneath this veneer body.

Hate reflects. I didn’t know it reflects. People can actually see through me. How can I not know? I’ve been hiding all of this. I’ve been hiding. I’ve been hiding all this time.

How can a decent photograph capture the image of a person falling apart?

How farther can I descent?

What will I look like next year?

Where will shame and insecurities lead me to?

Is this photograph my cry for help?

Look at what you’ve done.

What have you done to yourself?

“When you photograph people in color, you photograph their clothes. But when you photograph people in Black and white, you photograph their souls!”― Ted Grant

Actual photograph

The photograph was taken by our Photojournalism professor. It will be shown at our university’s photo exhibit next week. It is a black and white portrait of me. I have seen the photograph just a few minutes before writing this. It is like meeting my self for the very first time. A revelation of how I’ve let myself down. A potential wake-up call to pull myself up.

Guts Booster

Now, to brighten the blogging vibe a little, I’ll be having Music Mondays! I will start giving out weekly supply of ear candies to help you get back up after a bad day or to accompany you if you are having one!

For the longest time, I’ve been always rooting for music, discovering and rediscovering songs to relate and jive with. This playlist ignites my old-school-young soul before  I dive back into fast-moving-and-exhausting adult world. I am building up my library of early 90’s songs. Guts Booster is a compilation of songs from the 90’s and early 00’s that I have been frequently listening to these days. These are the songs I turn to whenever I feel the different kind of tired, defeated after a bad day or when I am trying to brighten up a new one.

I’m going to use the clichè line “this song saved my life”, because all of this of kind of did:

5. Today by Smashing Pumpkins

4. Float On by Modest Mouse

3. No Rain by Blind Melon

2. All Star by Smash Mouth


1. You Get What You Give by New Radicals

Here’s the complete playlist I created on Youtube:

Listopia #1 Guts Booster.

The featured photo was from

How To Make a Helpful Book Review

Book reviews are fun to write, but if you want to make a helpful review for your fellow readers to read, here are some guidelines on how to give your book review a valuable content. Having guidelines will help you establish your own writing structure.  It is important to make a regular structure on how are you going to evaluate the books you have read, so it will be easier for you to write book reviews on the next hundreds of books you’ll read and evaluate. Here are some elements you might want to consider:

  1. Rating

You have to specify your rating. Set a range from 1 – 5, but what would be the specifications of these ratings? You must also set your own standard, for example:

5 – Excellent writing technique/style, excellent plot or story. Simply just one of the books you have deeply and exquisitely delved into.
4 – Good writing technique/style with a steady story. One of the good books you have enjoyed.
3 – Average. Was able to make you turn from page to page. Usually, 3 out of 5 books are the kind of books that are easy enough to read, but not that good enough to really get lost into.
2 – Gave you a hard time to finish the entire book. Either, you didn’t like the writing style or it has an unbearably slow or fast pace of the story, or you just didn’t like the story enough to get a little, even a bit hooked.
1 – You give this kind of rating to the books that are painful to read. You give 1 out of 5 stars to the books that you did not finish, even if you tried. 1 out of 5 stars simply means, it’s just not your kind of book.

  1. Summary

Your summary has to be very short, and be aware of giving out spoilers. Be careful not to give out the climax or the plot twist or, of course, the ending of the story. Just give the essentials, like the answer to the question: “What is this book all about?”

  1. Characters

You might want to add the descriptions of the main characters, or just one of your favorites. You will not resist the drive to give a short description of the character, especially when the author made you feel like this person is someone you just have known thoroughly, like you know more about this character than that new friend of yours you just met and you hang out with.

  1. Reaction

I cannot specify what kind of reaction would this be, but this is the most vital element of your review. What was your reaction to this book? Did you like the writing style? Do you agree to the author’s or character’s view? Is there something that you can absolutely relate to, and you just couldn’t agree more to the point of view of the character or the direction of the story? How was the author able to tackle some sensitive topics like miscarriage, marriage, depression, loneliness? Give your reaction or reactions or mixed and contradicting and complex emotions about the book, how does this book made you feel? This element will give way to your personal touch. There is no right or wrong reactions, it is your review and, your reactions no matter how absurd there are – are valid.

  1. Recommendation

To whom would you recommend this novel or book? Would you recommend this to someone who is into Magical Realism, or if the novel has similarities to the novels of a certain author, would you recommend it to those who also loved Haruki Murakami, for instance? Or would you recommend this book to your girlfriends who feel a little bit lost in life (assuming you just read Eat, Pray, Love), or would you recommend this book to your geek guy friends who loved Lord of the Rings Trilogy?

These elements only serve as a simple guide in writing book reviews. You can be complex,  you can make your own structure. But for starters, this will do. Hope this was helpful. And by the way, if you just read something beautiful, please feel free to drop the book title under comments. Now, bury your nose back to what you are reading and keep those pages turning!

The featured image was from

Rage and Hibernation

I can’t believe someone could be that colorless. You’re right. I’d use the word pale. But that seems like an understatement. When you see her, you might as well grab a TV remote and ramp up the color intensity. Yes, that girl. Have you noticed how her skin glows? No, not that kind of glow. Her skin is so white, it glows.  You know why we don’t see her that much? We don’t see her around that much. Yes, so I’ve heard. Did you see the slashes on her wrist? I can’t take it off my mind. The scars are even paler than her skinny wrists. It’s not a good sight. Do you know why we don’t see her that much? Well, seems like I know something you don’t know.

So listen closely. I’ve met her old friend, Anna. They were pretty close. Yes. Were. But I’ve got to warn you, this Anna is crazy. There is definitely wrong with her, but she’s fun to talk to. And when she talks, I can’t seem to look away from her.. nose ring. Don’t laugh at me. You won’t help it. It’s gleaming. And her eyes.. her eyes are hypnotic. Oh, right! Anna. I was talking to her when she passed by. Anna just stared at her old friend. “She should’ve just killed herself.” Yes, that’s what Anna said. “She’s walking around dragging everyone down, she’s painful to watch. She knows it herself, so she kept herself away, locked up in her house. Not getting out, until she’s better.” She even added.

Do you know what happened to her? She’s once filled with confidence. Almost proud. Her mom, is as kind as any moms get  but she can’t control her daughter. They always argue. The way she talks to her mom, she’s going to be wait-listed in hell. She’s having problems with her rage back then. By the time she wakes up, she feels so angry to no particular person, no particular reason. Anger just fills her up. Her mom is still so kind to her that anger is often mixed with guilt. It is driving her even more crazy.

One night, when she’s having her usual argument with her mom,some misunderstanding. Anna was there, hanging out upstairs, inside her old friend’s room. She can hear her friend from the dining room. The argument went into halt. This girl, she walked up the stairs, stomping at every step, screaming on top of her lungs. She was so mad, she went straight to her bathroom. She didn’t bother looking at her friend waiting for her. She went straight to the bathroom door and slammed it. A few moments have passed and all there is is silence. Anna couldn’t take the ringing peace, and decided to check on her old friend. There, sitting on the floor, her right wrist were slashed, multiple times. Like she never stopped slashing it until she calmed down. Anna called 911. She thought her friend died during her watch.

She didn’t tell me how she felt, if she’s shocked or.. She just told the story like it is something factual, you know? I don’t know how she managed to tell the tale with a hollowed voice. She knew her friend had died. I think, Anna kind of did, too. They never talked after that night.