Cost of Freedom

 what-does-it-takes-to-be-human“I just cant imagine myself in shackles, following his lead, his guidance, his eyes trained on me. I wanted to be wrong again, I wanted to make some mistakes, I wanted to learn, I wanted to rise, I wanted to live.”

What does it really mean to be free? What does it really take to be yourself when you already have two kids and individuality is something you should scrap from your list? They say, get yourself a good husband, form a happy family, get a stable job and you will live in peace, you’ll be truly happy. What if life itself is more than that? What if you cant wrap your head with that construct?

In my opinion, you still need your individuality, you still have to claim yourself even when you are journeying motherhood. Especially when you are journeying motherhood. Every values, every care, every happiness, every love that you will give to your kids and to everyone who surrounds you will come from within yourself. When you are truly free and happy, that is the only time that you are capable to give the quality of love that you can truly give. It will radiate from you, its glow will touch your kids. Quality of life you aspire will grow from there. Happiness in its utmost authenticity.

Right now, for almost a year… I’ve tried my best to settle down and be happy. Be happy with the blessings that I have, with the husband that I have. But that’s not the case, I am not happy and I wanted to break free. Pushing this thought aside every single day for a span of a year is draining me, driving me crazy, turning me into a bad person filled with guilt and silent rage, one who cant give anyone a genuine smile, a genuine love and genuine care, including her self. I tried several ways to overcome, I tweaked my emotions, my way of living, I’ve been depressed, I shut myself, I tried to open myself, I tried to eat healthy,. I even blame the pills I am taking, but I remained depressed. Is this an act of selfishness? Yes, I suppose. But I am not truly happy. I have to grant myself the freedom to find that happiness and to realize the person in me, my individuality in order to be a productive mom, in my own way. In my own way.

But what will that cost me?

What do I have to give up for my own freedom?

What do I get in exchange?

I have to leave my husband, my ever loving, supportive husband. My husband who has nothing in mind but to love his family and plan the future with me. My husband who’s been with me for 7 long years, and hasn’t given up on me, during difficult times, during extreme mood-swings, during my breakdowns. My husband so perfect and yet I still couldn’t love him.

Whats wrong with me? I do not know. One thing is for sure. I have to break free from it and start from scrap. I just cant imagine myself in shackles, following his lead, his guidance, his eyes trained on me. I wanted to be wrong again, I wanted to make some mistakes, I wanted to learn, I wanted to rise, I wanted to live.

With him, I just cannot do it. Everything is carefully planned, which is a good sign, right? That’s parenthood all about. “But I am not happy. I dont want to be a wife anymore, I still wanted to be a mom of course, but I want to be truly myself. ” These thoughts are killing me.

All I ever wanted to do is live and see myself finally happy. Taking care of my kids. I cant be a mom in this kind of state. Overwhelming guilt and sadness is eating me alive. I’d like to picture seeing him happy and being loved by someone better. Him, treating the way he should be treated, and me continuously learning my lessons, through good or bad.

Is it that bad for me to choose the way I wanted to live?

I know, everything is not logical. This is wrong. This is wrong. This is what I tell myself.

Come on, frown upon me. I will get used to that.

 

3 minute Mumble

“Well.. how about some jog? You can jog around the village this 5pm. There is no sun. You’ll be alright! You’ll feel alright afterwards. ”
“Hey you should go to school. You may fail you know. You’ve been skipping class for one week now, or maybe a month! You just dont notice it but you’ve been just wearing that uniform and.. you just go home. Its not alright. You notice that?”

“Why dont you dress up and go hang out with your friends you know?”

“Orrr why dont you just go out by yourself, unwind. Like the old days? You’ll feel good.”

“Or why dont you read your book?”

“Or why don’t you work on your business. Emails and messages are piling up. People are looking for you.”

“Or why dont you check on your kids you know they need you too”

“Or why dont you treat ma right?”

“Or why dont you treat your husband right?”

“Why dont you treat yourself right?”

“Why are you right there again?”

“Look at yourself. You are a mess and you are so comfortable.. being sad and useless and horrible.”

“You even tried smoking dope. Its a cause of euphoria, but not for you. Still not for you. God’s sake. You even tried coffee.”

“You eat junks. You dont take a shower.”

“Stop letting yourself be like that.”

“Get up and move von”

“What the fuck are you waiting for”

“Life doesnt get better on their own dont wait for it to be better before you live it.”

“Problems doesnt just solve on their own”

“You cant rely on your mood”

“Stop fucking give in”

“Gett upp”

“Get upp”

— there is a lot thoughts going inside your head and you just lie down. Blank eyed.

We look like we are not fighting. God knows whats up. We are forcing ourselves. We are forcing and forcing and forcing ourselves to please, please, put it altogether.

Some days you just cant. You know

Some days.. you just cant

Some days it wins

Some days you just lie down right there

Stare at the day as it goes by.. 

Jump Back Into Where You Learned How To Swim

Go back. You were once there, you have conquered your mind. Go back to peace and quiet, light and calm. If you think this chaos in your mind is what’s ordinary, let your mind swim back to its most quiet state. Everything has its right place, the mind knows the right time to think about the right things and how to set aside the wrong ones. 

Go back to consistency in doing all the things that you think is what’s good for you. Invest in time. Do whatever it is that makes you look around and think, “I love this life. I love living this kind of life.” Dress up, decorate your room, treat yourself nicely, bring kindess to everybody, be more tender to your mom, bring warmth to your kids, restore romance with your husband. 

This phase in your life is the most challenging, and the most exciting. Exert all your effort in doing what you think is what’s best for the life you are living in. Collect more friends, new memories. Let go of the past, let go of past misunderstandings, arguements. Forgive those people who treated you badly. Apologize to yourself. Take time to apologize to all the versions of you that you have destroyed, to create a worse one. 

Go back to reading books, go back to the light feeling of being on your own world. 
Go back to walking down the street with no judgement in mind. Go back. 
Go back. Jump in. 

Wake up. 

You have gone too far. 
______________

I’ve been gone for a long time. Ny last post was in December. I apologize for not responding to any of the comments, I’ve gone “GONE” this past few months and I am patching up myself one step at a time. I’ll go back to writing, to speaking what’s on my mind, to reading what’s on your minds, to reading. 

Hi! Hi again! I am back. And gah! It feels so good 🙂

Where Have You Been, Von?

It’s been a month since I last wrote. My last article was about my first and last visit to my psychiatrist, which is no help by the way. I tried to find an alternative. I tried to fight depression once again. I’ve been very experimental when it comes to this. Last month, I tried to just ignore it. I thought, maybe if I am not over analyzing my feelings, it wouldn’t be so bad. I should stop writing about it, talking about it and just get on with my life. It kind of worked, but I feel like.. an empty mass moving from point A to point B.

My husband has been very cooperative with this phase, surprisingly. He helped me open up a small business so I can ignore the hovering negative thoughts in my mind. I need to make myself busy, he said. I am now selling statement shirts online. It was fun. During the first weeks, I’ve been most alive. I feel excited, motivated, inspired. I get to talk to people, collaborate with photographers, socialize with models. I am not normally outgoing, but during these weeks, I don’t  have to try. These positive feelings are excessive that I am afraid the serotonin in my mind is going to run out.

And damn they did. I hate it when my mind fakes it, you know? Make me believe that, “hey.. you are finally doing it. You are free from it! Wow. Look at yourself”. You were soaring high, you have this smile on your face then suddenly.. you are falling, something is sucking you back down again, and then there is this silent drop.

And yes, at this point I don’t know what to do again. there is no reason for me to feel like this. Everything is doing fine.

But here I am again.

Damn, here I am again.