Grow Backwards

This is how adult life is.. running from point A to point B, back and forth, always rushing, always rushing to your next deadline, always a minute too late. You can’t waste time, but you always do. Of course, you do. When you were still a child, you always waste time, too. But you cannot say it’s wasted. You didn’t know it is,  your wasted time is full of bliss.

Can you remember how the world looks in your childhood eyes? Well, I do. I always do. I still can’t believe I have become like this. My younger self will be very disappointed. In my younger eyes, the world is vivid. I can still remember the scents of each apartment we moved to and from, their scents when they were still empty, their scents when I am about to fall asleep. I still remember the 5pm light, how the wind gushes through me while I am running, running as fast as I could, running under the pink sky. I still remember how I hugged my mom with all my heart. My eyes were so alive. Man, I was once full of love. Where that love went, I don’t know. When did I lose it, more so.

I guess, as you grow older, the love inside you fades, bit by bit, without you knowing. All the while, you keep your eyes on your purpose: to play your roles right, to reach for the next paycheck for your next payment. Running around keeping your emotions locked up. You know too well, you’ve ruined your life by setting them free. Through the years, your heart is being pierced through and through by disappointments after disappointments, shame, hatred, failures. You are running around your world with your own bloodshed.

A few years after, you’ve gone dull. Your eyes went tired, you have seen it all. You can see through people, you can see through bullshit, you’ve heard enough lies, you’ve said your fair share of them. You’ve spilled enough blood. You try to cheer yourself up, but you cannot fool yourself anymore. It’s a non-stop trail towards black and white.

Now looking back, I would do everything just to grow backwards. And when I do, I will cling to that child. I will never let go. I will wear her eyes, I will hold her love, I will be living, I will be alive.