There are two types of people: the hopeless romantics and the realists. Hopeless romantics think they only get to fall hard once, and once they do, they’d do everything just to cling on. They could be sleepwalking inside a dreamworld filled with romantic books, movies and sad songs and all there is. You’ll usually see them doing the most stupid things you’d ever imagine – and you might want to shake, them slap them, whatever you could to wake them up. Realists, an army of logical species, think that relationship come with rationality and chemistry. Its about the ideals; its either working or not. They see every faces as potential partners, them lucky bastards. For hopeless romantics, in a sea of people, there can only be one. Now, you know you’re in it for a hell when you’re a hopeless romantic and you stumble upon a realist. You can wait all you want for the wave of people to crash over you, but you’d still stay there, staring at one.
“I just cant imagine myself in shackles, following his lead, his guidance, his eyes trained on me. I wanted to be wrong again, I wanted to make some mistakes, I wanted to learn, I wanted to rise, I wanted to live.”
What does it really mean to be free? What does it really take to be yourself when you already have two kids and individuality is something you should scrap from your list? They say, get yourself a good husband, form a happy family, get a stable job and you will live in peace, you’ll be truly happy. What if life itself is more than that? What if you cant wrap your head with that construct?
In my opinion, you still need your individuality, you still have to claim yourself even when you are journeying motherhood. Especially when you are journeying motherhood. Every values, every care, every happiness, every love that you will give to your kids and to everyone who surrounds you will come from within yourself. When you are truly free and happy, that is the only time that you are capable to give the quality of love that you can truly give. It will radiate from you, its glow will touch your kids. Quality of life you aspire will grow from there. Happiness in its utmost authenticity.
Right now, for almost a year… I’ve tried my best to settle down and be happy. Be happy with the blessings that I have, with the husband that I have. But that’s not the case, I am not happy and I wanted to break free. Pushing this thought aside every single day for a span of a year is draining me, driving me crazy, turning me into a bad person filled with guilt and silent rage, one who cant give anyone a genuine smile, a genuine love and genuine care, including her self. I tried several ways to overcome, I tweaked my emotions, my way of living, I’ve been depressed, I shut myself, I tried to open myself, I tried to eat healthy,. I even blame the pills I am taking, but I remained depressed. Is this an act of selfishness? Yes, I suppose. But I am not truly happy. I have to grant myself the freedom to find that happiness and to realize the person in me, my individuality in order to be a productive mom, in my own way. In my own way.
But what will that cost me?
What do I have to give up for my own freedom?
What do I get in exchange?
I have to leave my husband, my ever loving, supportive husband. My husband who has nothing in mind but to love his family and plan the future with me. My husband who’s been with me for 7 long years, and hasn’t given up on me, during difficult times, during extreme mood-swings, during my breakdowns. My husband so perfect and yet I still couldn’t love him.
Whats wrong with me? I do not know. One thing is for sure. I have to break free from it and start from scrap. I just cant imagine myself in shackles, following his lead, his guidance, his eyes trained on me. I wanted to be wrong again, I wanted to make some mistakes, I wanted to learn, I wanted to rise, I wanted to live.
With him, I just cannot do it. Everything is carefully planned, which is a good sign, right? That’s parenthood all about. “But I am not happy. I dont want to be a wife anymore, I still wanted to be a mom of course, but I want to be truly myself. ” These thoughts are killing me.
All I ever wanted to do is live and see myself finally happy. Taking care of my kids. I cant be a mom in this kind of state. Overwhelming guilt and sadness is eating me alive. I’d like to picture seeing him happy and being loved by someone better. Him, treating the way he should be treated, and me continuously learning my lessons, through good or bad.
Is it that bad for me to choose the way I wanted to live?
I know, everything is not logical. This is wrong. This is wrong. This is what I tell myself.
Come on, frown upon me. I will get used to that.
Go back. You were once there, you have conquered your mind. Go back to peace and quiet, light and calm. If you think this chaos in your mind is what’s ordinary, let your mind swim back to its most quiet state. Everything has its right place, the mind knows the right time to think about the right things and how to set aside the wrong ones.
Go back to consistency in doing all the things that you think is what’s good for you. Invest in time. Do whatever it is that makes you look around and think, “I love this life. I love living this kind of life.” Dress up, decorate your room, treat yourself nicely, bring kindess to everybody, be more tender to your mom, bring warmth to your kids, restore romance with your husband.
This phase in your life is the most challenging, and the most exciting. Exert all your effort in doing what you think is what’s best for the life you are living in. Collect more friends, new memories. Let go of the past, let go of past misunderstandings, arguements. Forgive those people who treated you badly. Apologize to yourself. Take time to apologize to all the versions of you that you have destroyed, to create a worse one.
Go back to reading books, go back to the light feeling of being on your own world.
Go back to walking down the street with no judgement in mind. Go back.
Go back. Jump in.
You have gone too far.
I’ve been gone for a long time. Ny last post was in December. I apologize for not responding to any of the comments, I’ve gone “GONE” this past few months and I am patching up myself one step at a time. I’ll go back to writing, to speaking what’s on my mind, to reading what’s on your minds, to reading.
Hi! Hi again! I am back. And gah! It feels so good 🙂
It’s been a month since I last wrote. My last article was about my first and last visit to my psychiatrist, which is no help by the way. I tried to find an alternative. I tried to fight depression once again. I’ve been very experimental when it comes to this. Last month, I tried to just ignore it. I thought, maybe if I am not over analyzing my feelings, it wouldn’t be so bad. I should stop writing about it, talking about it and just get on with my life. It kind of worked, but I feel like.. an empty mass moving from point A to point B.
My husband has been very cooperative with this phase, surprisingly. He helped me open up a small business so I can ignore the hovering negative thoughts in my mind. I need to make myself busy, he said. I am now selling statement shirts online. It was fun. During the first weeks, I’ve been most alive. I feel excited, motivated, inspired. I get to talk to people, collaborate with photographers, socialize with models. I am not normally outgoing, but during these weeks, I don’t have to try. These positive feelings are excessive that I am afraid the serotonin in my mind is going to run out.
And damn they did. I hate it when my mind fakes it, you know? Make me believe that, “hey.. you are finally doing it. You are free from it! Wow. Look at yourself”. You were soaring high, you have this smile on your face then suddenly.. you are falling, something is sucking you back down again, and then there is this silent drop.
And yes, at this point I don’t know what to do again. there is no reason for me to feel like this. Everything is doing fine.
But here I am again.
Damn, here I am again.
Come, let me take a good look at you
Take off your skin, tear off your mask
Look, your colors are more vibrant with your own shades of black
So come, show me your madness, your flaws
Show me something you are ashamed of
Show me the things you have been hiding
Rip yourself open, so raw, so honest
Come, unclench your fists
Dance, sing your heart out
Scream, shout your foulest words
Break down, cry, be happy
Be weak, be mean, be strong
Be angry, be soft
Break free, lose yourself
Find yourself, be yourself
Show me yourself
The person you wish you are
The person underneath
The person you wish you’re not
Who are you at this very moment?
Come, flaunt your imperfections
You will be admired
Because how I wish,
How I wish
How I wish
How I really wish
I have the courage to show myself
and you have the guts to watch
Today its the other way around
Come, you will be admired
Featured Photo was from Pixabay.com
(Public Domain. Free for commercial use. No attribution required)
This is how adult life is.. running from point A to point B, back and forth, always rushing, always rushing to your next deadline, always a minute too late. You can’t waste time, but you always do. Of course, you do. When you were still a child, you always waste time, too. But you cannot say it’s wasted. You didn’t know it is, your wasted time is full of bliss.
Can you remember how the world looks in your childhood eyes? Well, I do. I always do. I still can’t believe I have become like this. My younger self will be very disappointed. In my younger eyes, the world is vivid. I can still remember the scents of each apartment we moved to and from, their scents when they were still empty, their scents when I am about to fall asleep. I still remember the 5pm light, how the wind gushes through me while I am running, running as fast as I could, running under the pink sky. I still remember how I hugged my mom with all my heart. My eyes were so alive. Man, I was once full of love. Where that love went, I don’t know. When did I lose it, more so.
I guess, as you grow older, the love inside you fades, bit by bit, without you knowing. All the while, you keep your eyes on your purpose: to play your roles right, to reach for the next paycheck for your next payment. Running around keeping your emotions locked up. You know too well, you’ve ruined your life by setting them free. Through the years, your heart is being pierced through and through by disappointments after disappointments, shame, hatred, failures. You are running around your world with your own bloodshed.
A few years after, you’ve gone dull. Your eyes went tired, you have seen it all. You can see through people, you can see through bullshit, you’ve heard enough lies, you’ve said your fair share of them. You’ve spilled enough blood. You try to cheer yourself up, but you cannot fool yourself anymore. It’s a non-stop trail towards black and white.
Now looking back, I would do everything just to grow backwards. And when I do, I will cling to that child. I will never let go. I will wear her eyes, I will hold her love, I will be living, I will be alive.