Where Have You Been, Von?

It’s been a month since I last wrote. My last article was about my first and last visit to my psychiatrist, which is no help by the way. I tried to find an alternative. I tried to fight depression once again. I’ve been very experimental when it comes to this. Last month, I tried to just ignore it. I thought, maybe if I am not over analyzing my feelings, it wouldn’t be so bad. I should stop writing about it, talking about it and just get on with my life. It kind of worked, but I feel like.. an empty mass moving from point A to point B.

My husband has been very cooperative with this phase, surprisingly. He helped me open up a small business so I can ignore the hovering negative thoughts in my mind. I need to make myself busy, he said. I am now selling statement shirts online. It was fun. During the first weeks, I’ve been most alive. I feel excited, motivated, inspired. I get to talk to people, collaborate with photographers, socialize with models. I am not normally outgoing, but during these weeks, I don’t  have to try. These positive feelings are excessive that I am afraid the serotonin in my mind is going to run out.

And damn they did. I hate it when my mind fakes it, you know? Make me believe that, “hey.. you are finally doing it. You are free from it! Wow. Look at yourself”. You were soaring high, you have this smile on your face then suddenly.. you are falling, something is sucking you back down again, and then there is this silent drop.

And yes, at this point I don’t know what to do again. there is no reason for me to feel like this. Everything is doing fine.

But here I am again.

Damn, here I am again.