6 Years of Downfall

“You’re right! I am turning into this horrible person. Maybe I already am. I am always irritated, agitated, aggressive.. I try to stay calm. Don’t you know this is exhausting? It exhausts me. I’m.. I am being a mom, I am being your wife. I am juggling these roles. It’s just that, right now, I’m tired, Patrick. I’m sorry, I’m tired.”

“Okay. What’s happening right now is.. you are mad. I annoy you, okay.. but now you are crying. Wha – oh no, no.” His sarcastic face is there again, he knows how much I hated it. “Let me guess. You don’t know why? You just feel like crying?”

“Don’t look at me like that. I am trying, god knows, I’m trying.” I am shaking now. Living with you is very tiring. I’m tired. I’m already tired. I fucking hate you and I am fucking exhausted. I wanted to add, but I know, its.. it is something someone gone cuckoo would say. He already sees me as one, but I cannot.. Of course I cannot say it.

He just shook his head. Oh, and that sneer.  He walked off in a huff.  Wish granted.

But, he’s right. It has always been like this. How pathetic am I in his eyes? He’s been with me for six years, he had seen it all. I have seen it all. Six years, is that enough to drive each other insane?

Then there goes the narrator of my life, the inner bully. He talks with the same arrogance as my husband.

This is what happens when you live with someone who crushes your thoughts, your belief system, the way you look at yourself, all the while, being loving and caring and responsible husband and father to your kids. A trophy partner you can show off to your relatives and friends, the trophy partner you secretly hate. Oh, you wanted to break free? How can you reason to his realism? You are a depressed, delusional. His logic is nothing compared to the fucked up yours. This is what happens when you merge yourself into marriage without fucking thinking, now, let your freedom fly and your soul rot, idiot. 

Have you ever felt this kind of hate? You’ve cut your own wings and now you are being mean, mostly to yourself. But you don’t want to show it, so it’s just deeply buried inside you. You don’t know when will all this stop. You thought, this hate will pass. It’s a part of every marriage. But no, it’s a downfall without a crash.

You can’t even describe it anymore, you can only feel it. There is this strong anger living inside your chest that you always suppress. You don’t understand it either, you can’t use your words right anymore. You try to reason to yourself, nothing is coming out. You just wanted to scream, to runaway, to stay still, to move, to sit, to dive…  You don’t even know what you want to do anymore. You don’t know what to do to make it go away. Hate, rage, temper, anger, you don’t know what to call it. You don’t know what it is, but you know it is planted inside you. A bad seed. It seeps, it stays, you can feel its roots, it is becoming you.

Truth is, you are a bad wife, a bad mother, and a bad person. Added the narrator.

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20 thoughts on “6 Years of Downfall”

  1. The narrator is an idiot, the truth is that you are not a bad wife, a bad mother, or a bad person. You’ve been left alone in a world that wants everyone to exist alone, but you don’t want to be alone. You don’t fit in the world and it is maddening. A world that tells you to be everything to everyone and no one really cares if you don’t like it.

    It doesn’t matter. The narrator wins. No one sees the tough. No one sees the fact that you got up, that you fed the kids, that you were everything to everyone and had no one there for you. Must be nice to be the narrator and not the bad wife.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. You’re right. As long as the narrator controls how the story holds, how the characters are presented, the wife will never win. Her small victories as a wife and as a mother will never be revealed.

      Liked by 1 person

  2. Wow have I ever been here. Maybe not to the relationship degree but certainly to the later. @nearlytranslucent is correct though. Each minor step is a step. A step many people can’t even fathom to take.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. I’ve been the narrator and been married to the narrator. Even though the marriage has been over for two years (because.of his narration), the narrator tries to continue. That is why I must now divorce the narrator and marry myself. I, the real, sacred me, must narrate my own life. You can get through this because, though you think your narration is real, it isn’t true. You are worthy of love and belonging.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Oh man, do I feel you! Hugs! This narrator is not yours. It’s a messed up version created by the cruelty of your husband’s behaviour. This is what these people do best, make you create your own little world of self-hate so it won’t be directed at them.

    You are the hero of your story and you have the power to create your own ending. It’s fucking hard at times but it’s within you. Do you have a way to center yourself and find your inner strength during times like this?

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I am still working on finding my inner strength. At times like this, I focus on untangling the complications. I find time to be alone to do a lot of thinking. When my head is clear, I can hold my ground. Writing helps, too. How about you? How do you find your inner peace, your inner strength?

      Like

    1. Hi! I wouldn’t say its autobiographical, it is still considered fiction, I just put on some touch of my reality, having an ideal kind (responsible, loyal, trophy husband) but insensitive partner. How living with someone can affect the way you narrate your own story. DO you tell your own story? Or you have the same narrator, just like in this story?

      Liked by 1 person

  5. When one becomes comfortable in such a relationship, it doesn’t matter what one’s partner is saying. There are two options one has – Either to step out of such relation at right time, or stay in it till the time one gets used to the things and behavior to such an extent that it doesn’t matter anymore.

    Like

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